Talking About What I've Found

I told Sarah about my half brothers Michael and William tonight and what I have found out about them recently. I didn't think I would share this so soon, but it felt good to talk about it with her.

She reminded me that she has a video interview of Dad from several years back which I had forgotten about. She had interviewed her grandpa as part of a video class project. She recounted that Dad had talked about the incident when he had come home in 1943, and apparently found Margaret in bed with another man. If this is true, it would explain all the shouting and fighting that Michael remembered at such a young age. Is it true? I really can't say at this point. But, it does add some fire to the story.

So, how can we assess the past. As Patrick reminded me, there are always explanations for things, and are people really evil? Probably not, just caught up in circumstances beyond their control maybe? Or maybe they are lost; sometimes desperately lost, trying to find their way, but all they can do is stumble and run into walls as they go. I remember Dad saying to me once that there was a period in his life when he had gone away, and lost his memory; perhaps he had a breakdown. Maybe the things he had experienced at this point in his life were too much for him to bear; maybe the realization about his life was just too much. I wonder; and I believe that he was someone who was lost, for a time, and in his life he fought desperately to just survive; and that was his natural state.

So, I will keep searching on the internet for more info about Michael and William. How can I not?

Family Search: Michael's Life Story

So in the midst of all this searching, I happened upon a most amazing thing. I found my eldest half-brother's recorded life story from 2010. So I not only was able to hear quite a bit about his life, but could also hear his voice...which was somewhat haunting and enthralling at the same time. The quality of his voice did sound a lot like Dad's, with a slightly different accent to it, very subtle; like a different area of California.

He was soft-spoken, and sounded like a gentle, kind person. He started off recounting his earliest memories from childhood, about when he was around 2 years old, and his brother, William, was a baby. He talked about one day when his father came home and an argument started between his mother and father, and there was lots of shouting, and at one point his father became extremely angry and picked the very young Michael up and threw him against a wall and then he fell onto the couch. Then his father walked out, and that was the last time Michael saw him. So that was his very last memory of his father...my father.

Hearing that for the first time sent chills through me. I never expected to find such a bit of history by searching the internet. It goes to show that you never know what you will find when you first start looking, and, I guess, be careful what you look for; you just might find it.

I listened to the recording of Michael's life story, which was part of a Voices of the Sages series that his church had put together. It turns out that Michael found Jesus Christ about 17 years ago, and is considered one of the Sages of the church, recounting the way he was saved and what it meant to him, and how it changed his life forever. He did not speak any further about his/my father, except for that little bit when he was 2 years old; but I began to wonder about his life, and how that episode influenced how he went through his life, and how he eventually found Jesus. He seemed to believe that he has always been searching for something, floundering around, and now was "saved". If it had been any other person recounting this story about his life, I probably would have stopped listening to it halfway through. But, since it was my half-brother, and I was hearing his voice for the very first time, I felt very compelled to listen to his story all the way through. I wanted to know how he felt, and why he felt that way. I wanted to know him. Hear his voice. And see if I could find, or feel, some kind of commonality that might link the two of us together.

I have wanted to find my 3 half-brothers ever since I was a little girl. As I got older I came to believe that it would never happen, and that it really didn't matter.

What brought me to this search in the first place? I guess I was thinking about my dad, on his birthday, on the day he would have turned 96. I was thinking about the few photos that I have from him of his sons, and the one wedding photo of him and Margaret. I began the internet search by looking up his and margaret's names...and found a newspaper article about their wedding announcement on November 20, 1941. That was golden. That eventually led me to Michael's recorded life story on the church web site. It is amazing to me how many parts of life we can now access through this electronic entity we call the internet.

So I feel connected, but I will never contact my half-brother, Michael. I would not want to interrupt his life now. Oh, I would like to sit across a table and spend some time talking with him. And have some time to tell him just what my father was like, and how much I loved him, and that he was a good person, and all of that. But, I do not want to interrupt his life.

The Family Search: Margaret & Michael

I have had some success this past week. I found Margaret first of all, and a newspaper article announcing her and Dad's marriage on November 20, 1941. Since then, I have found Michael and William online, and it has been quite stunning and somewhat shocking to say the least.

In this search I have found out some information that I have been wondering about my whole life; or at least since my awareness of their existence. I actually found an audio recording of Michael's voice where he is telling his life story. This was very emotional for me, as it was him explaining what happened in the early years of his life, and when Dad left. He was about 67 years old, only a few years ago.

This is the terrible reality of how violence can go on from generation to generation. The violence that Dad experienced as a child, the lack of love from his father, the sight of his own father walking away and never coming back - this was the horror that his children experienced and the awful reality that Dad had to face knowing what he had done. I don't know how he could live with himself all those years. But I do believe that to cope with what he had done, and to go on in his life, he eventually must have decided that he would never let that happen again, and he didn't by the time I came along. He loved me, and I new it. He was always there for me. And he never harmed me.

Horoscope

Someone who is making a lot of changes in their life is looking to you for guidance on what to do next, and you are more than ready to give it. The true sense of purpose for the alliance you are building with this person is not completely clear yet, but you will understand why you are so compelled to help them out soon enough. All you need to do is follow your instincts, stay present in the moment, and be ready to gain inspiration from their remarkable transformation.

Logo for Washington Wild

I'm so pleased that my logo design was chosen to be the new logo for Washington Wild! They will be using it on their website, facebook page and in print.

Letting Go

To find the courage to let go...that is what I wish for someone I know. It is a person who needs to find in themselves the center of their being in order to release those things that hold them back and hold them down. How do you save yourself from the toxic environment of such a person, while trying to keep from hurting said person?

Word of the Day

The word of the day is Content. Content in that I am content with my work for now, at this point. Content, as in content in my daily life, for now, as it goes along, and I feel thankful that I am employed and we are doing OK. Content, as in the content of something; that which is contained in; the content and how the content is part of what I do, what I manage, what I must go through. Content with the content. Does that make sense? It does to me...but then I am writing it. Content. Happy. Content. That which is contained within. Both and each, different and in relation to each other. Content. The word of the day.