Stirring up Old Yearnings

I am thinking about trying to contact my brother again. It's about feeling like I should, and feeling like I don't want to run out of time. And it's a lifelong yearning for that connection. However selfish, or self-serving, it may be, I am thinking about the other side of it...the idea that it might be helpful to my brother, or it may be painful. That is the risk. That is why if I write to him, I have to send it off, and just let it go.

Spring is Seeping in All Over

It must be Spring because it's persistently raining outside, the windows are wet with raindrops, they hit the metal ladder outside and the cat will only stay out for short periods of time. I can hear the chickens clucking two houses down, proving that chickens are much more resilient than cats.

I'm planning the trip down to Modesto to have the memorial for my mom, to settle her into her final resting place. My head is full of lists of things to do, preparations, plans, arrangements, responsibilities.

Then I feel this loneliness that has seeped into my soul since mom passed, the feeling of being an orphan, and missing the love of two parents who surely did their best, and gave me everything two loving parents could. Like the persistent rain outside, I am longing for the chapter to be done, complete, my responsibility to be finished, so that I can come back home, move on to other things, feel the sun on my face, and know that I did all I could and did it right, with care and attention that only a daughter can do. 

A mother and a daughter. I have come to realize that as I have lost my mother, I am also giving up my daughter, and the distances of both leave me with a feeling of loss that is both terribly painful but emancipating as well. Hurting and freeing. Questioning my abilities, and knowing I've done my best. It's two vines intertwined; they grow over each other, sometimes they are the same thing; other times they are so far apart, and ultimately they are each their own, but they each take so much of my energy, and time and spirit that I am left unable to speak, to sleep or to breath. 

Linnean Society Prints

Here at Swedish Hospital I have spent a little time walking around and in the process came across some wonderful botanical illustrations from the Linnean Society from 1792. It got me curious about this society so I looked them up:  http://www.linnean.org/specimen-collections
Here some photos I took of what what hanging in the wall. If you are interested in medicine or art you may find this really interesting.

The View from the 9th Floor

Here at Swedish with Mom. She is comfortably sleeping now. Had a visit from Chaplin John who knows mom from Elder Place. He said she attended services at the adult daycare when she would go to Elder Place on Thursdays, which surprised me. He prayed for her and we had a lovely talk. Every time I turn around someone is coming in and offering their support. Also spoke with 2 docs here at Swedish about potentially moving mom to a hospice place. While I hate the idea of moving her again, it could be a more soothing and comfortable place for her to be. Time will tell. For now I feel blessed just to be here with her and have all this support.

Settled in at Swedish

Mom is now at Swedish hospital. I am home to sleep and will go back in the morning. She is stable and seems to be in a deeper sleep. I feel a bit worried leaving her. But I know she is in good hands. Met the doctor and two nurses. It's a great hospital. She is comfortable and cared for. More tomorrow...

Waiting and waiting...

Here at NW Hospital with my mother. This is our 5th day here, though I have gone home some to sleep. Mom has suffered a stroke and is now in a coma. Her vital signs are stable. She sleeps peacefully most of the time; at times she moves her legs, raises her feet, kicks off the pink fuzzy socks that Sarah brought her, and she may yawn or even make little noises.

We are awaiting her transfer to Swedish Hospital, where she will be cared for by the Elder Place doctors. I wanted her to stay here at NW, but she should be in good hands at Swedish. They did talk about moving her to a family home or nursing home, but I did not want that for her. You have to speak up about these things.

So I am here waiting. Listening to the sounds of the C wing of this hospital, the little hum that goes on here that can be difficult to get used to.

From time to time I hold mom's hand, stroke her forehead and talk to her.

I'm tired of waiting and tired of seeing my mom in this state. But all I can do is be here with her and for her. It is the easiest thing to do and the hardest thing to do.

One Amazing, but Common, Mushroom

When I got home from work tonight, and it was still light out, I went to take a photo of a mushroom growing in the parking strip of our neighbors' yard. It is about 5 inches tall and really amazing looking. I have looked it up and it may be amanita muscaria.

From http://honest-food.net/2011/12/24/eating-santas-shroom/
"No mushroom presents more of an enigma than the fly agaric, Amanita muscaria. It is the most recognizable mushroom on the planet, and is widely known as the hallucinatory ‘shroom responsible for Alice’s trip into Wonderland and quite possibly our beloved images of a red-suited Santa Claus and his flying reindeer. "

I'm not sure if I've identified it correctly or not. But it is really cool looking. And, no, I will not be eating any part of it!