Christmas Letter 2009

Christmas 2009
Greetings of the Season! It’s been awhile since I’ve written and caught everyone up on our family’s news. Last year was more than busy, and rather stressful to say the least, so the letter went by the wayside, and this letter will catch you all up.

The snow hasn’t hit yet as I sit here typing this on my MacBook the week after Thanksgiving. Last year we ended up with a record snowfall around Christmastime, and it caused many delays, and frustrations. Last winter was the heaviest snow we had seen in18 years, and it kept coming through the first few months of 2009.

The end of 2008 was a challenging year for our family. My job at the college came to an end on December 5th as I learned that my position after almost 9 years was being cut due to state budget cuts. After that the state required more cuts for colleges, and as the unemployment rate rose, the chance of getting rehired somewhere else became pretty bleak. Fortunately, I left with a 3-month severance, so didn’t have to hit the pavement until March. Still, it was pretty gloomy when I sent out dozens of résumés and heard nothing back for weeks at a time. I began collecting unemployment, and figuring out how to pay for health insurance.

Still, I had to turn my attention to more important things. My parents had been needing our help more now, and mom’s health had declined since October 2008 when we first found out that she had kidney disease. Dad had some fainting spells, and had been in the hospital awaiting a pacemaker implant. The morning after he checked into the hospital, he fell in his hospital room and broke his right hip. The snow made driving impossible for several days, but I managed to drive up to the hospital that morning to be with dad as he prepared for surgery to repair his hip. He was pretty heavily sedated to reduce the pain, but he was talking, though sounded a little confused; he looked at me and commented on my coat, thinking I was wearing mom’s coat, or maybe thinking I was mom. After surgery he was doing OK, and we began to make arrangements for him to stay at a convalescent hospital nearby for the long process of healing as soon as he was released from the hospital. The pacemaker implant was put on hold.

As Christmas approached, and the snow kept falling, Mom packed a bag and came to stay at our house for a few days. Sarah and I managed to finish our Christmas shopping, taking the bus to the mall, which was an adventure in itself. The roads were so bad that many people were counting on metro and buses were very crowded, and not really on schedule. We wrapped presents, made cookies and stayed warm and cozy inside, with occasional walks around the neighborhood, taking pictures of all the snow on the ground. I kept the van going most days, but some days it was impossible to get up to the hospital to see Dad as he still continued to recover from the surgery. We talked to him by phone, kept in contact with his nurse. On Christmas Day, the snow kept falling, and as we prepared to sit down to our Christmas dinner, we called Dad via speaker-phone to wish him a merry Christmas, and to say we wished he could be with us.

Dad’s surgery had gone well, but he still had a tube in his stomach and they would not feed him until his system kicked back into normal activity. He complained about being very hungry. The doctor allowed a small amount of food, but it made him sick so they stopped again, as his system just wasn’t doing what it needed to do. Late on the night of December 25th his body went into septic shock and he ended up in intensive care.

The day after Christmas I went up to see him and it was then that I found out that he had been moved to intensive care. He was on a ventilator and several other life support machines. I was shocked because the last time I talked to his nurse it sounded like maybe he was doing a little bit better. I decided to bring mom up to see him and we talked about how serious this had gotten, and wondered what would happen. By Saturday morning the next day, the IC doctor called me at home and told me the basic facts; Dad was “comfortable” and not in pain; his body had suffered greatly from the septic shock; judging by the xrays the doctor showed us, his lungs were working at a very low capacity without the ventilator, and the chances of him recovering at this point were nonexistent. We all went up to see him that morning. We sat with him for awhile. The kids went out and waited in the lobby. Dad had filled out an advance directive indicating under which circumstances he would want to be on life support, or not, for how long, etc., etc. After considering that, and what we thought he would want us to do, we thought it would be best to take him off all life support except for the ventilator, and let him go. He was one month shy of his 92nd birthday.

So, it was a very sad Christmas. Mom had some further issues with her kidneys in January and was in the hospital for several days. We held a small memorial gathering with friends and family for Dad at the clubhouse at Mom and Dad’s place on January 25th, and mom came home from the hospital just in time, the day before. My cousin Sandy came up from Modesto and stayed with mom, and Martha and Jack, other family from Jackson, came up for the memorial as well. Their presence was so very helpful. (I posted a memorial site for dad on http://www.legacy.com/gb2/default.aspx?bookid=455389470176&eid=viewgb_120109.) We are planning to go up to Lake Tahoe next summer to scatter dad’s ashes over the lake. He and mom met up there, and spent so many happy days up there throughout their lives together, and we thought it would be a fitting place for dad to be.

On a brighter note, Emma (mom) has made great strides in improving her health over the last several months. She has gone from almost needing weekly dialysis, to not needing it at all (she had only had it a few times when she had been in the hospital), decreasing her blood pressure meds and not needing to see the nephrologist any more than every 6 months. With chronic kidney disease, you have to limit your intake of potasium, protien and dairy. I had been teaching mom what foods she could and could not eat, and how to read nutritional labels when shopping at the grocery store. Now she is very careful about what she eats, and does a great job of taking care of herself. She has had some very difficult challenges this past year, and has come through them all quite well. I think she has discovered some strengths in herself that she didn’t know she had. On Mother’s Day we took mom out to the Skagit Valley, to “Tulip Town” to see the beautiful tulips. We had an unusually late tulip season around here (the Skagit Valley is known as a prime tulip-growing area). Mom even took a trip down to Modesto last summer to attend a Scharli family reunion, with the help of Sandy, and she enjoyed visiting her brother Louie, many nieces and nephews and several old friends.

Throughout the summer I kept looking for work, and had a few interviews. I did some volunteer graphic design work for the Shoreline Arts Council, and for a local city council candidate, our friend, Janet Way. A few of the job interviews I had looked promising, but then I was told they decided not to fill the position after all. A couple of prospects that began as full-time, turned into part-time temp offers. This became the typical scenario. In October I accepted a temp position figuring at least it was a JOB. So I have been employed as a graphic designer at a health supplement distributor full-time, temporarily for over 2 months. The prospects for permanent full-time are looking good, though I continue to apply for jobs that look promising. It is really good to be working again, and bringing in some money, and doing something useful.

Our daughter Sarah graduated from high school this past June and both her grandmothers were here for the festivities. Sarah has put off college for now, and enjoys working part time as a preschool teacher. She says about her preschool job that she has the “best job in the world!”. We bought her a very used Geo Prizm as a graduation present. She splurged and bought herself a nice digital camera, which she uses frequently to take pictures of the kids at the preschool. Sarah is still very interested in music (once again she was voted “most inspirational” among her choir classmates her senior year), and she hopes to be in the music program at Shoreline Community College and then transfer from there. But for now she is working, enjoying her new independence, and is one of the few people I know who seems to be having fun every single day.

Dan is enrolled in the film program at Seattle Central Community College, and loves it. He is living the life of a pauper, though, but fortunately he is a pretty frugal person by nature. With the help of some dedicated friends he makes occasional short films on the side which he hopes to submit to some film festivals. He also writes reviews on his blog, http://danhowescinephile.blogspot.com/. He’s not working much now, and the current job market has made it even tougher to find work. Dan spends his free time volunteering at the NW Film Forum on Capitol Hill, working in the box office, and occasionally you can find him volunteering at KEXP, Seattle’s hippest radio station.
 
Patrick and I got out to see a few plays last year; a production of Hamlet done by a very small theatre group on Capitol Hill in Seattle. And during Seattle’s Live Theatre Week last year, we attended 2 plays;The Three Musketeers at the Seattle Rep, and The Arabian Nights at the Balagan Theatre, one of our favorite local, small theatres in Seattle. During the Live Theatre Week you can get free tickets to shows. Theatre Puget Sound (TPS) sponsors it, and it’s a great way to get out and see some shows, and help support local theatre (donations are always welcome). Also saw Taming of the Shrew set in a trailer park, done outdoors by Wooden O Theatre Group. We also got away for a little camping last year in July. We went to the serene town of Sequim (pronounced “Squim”) on the Olympic Peninsula. We camped at the Dungeness Campground and spent one whole day hiking the 6-mile spit out to the Dungeness Lighthouse, and then, of course, hiked back. Walking on sand is not as easy as it may sound!  We toured the lighthouse, ate our packed lunches, and enjoyed the incredible views. We also attended the Lavender Festival in Sequim, which is a big deal there. Lavender farms are all around that area and they have tours in the summer, and lots of lavender products for sale. We also took a day trip to the Olympic National Forest and enjoyed a beautiful hike up to Sol Duc Falls, a few miles up the road from Sol Duc Hot Springs Resort, where we stopped for a relaxing soak for a few hours before heading back to our campsite in Sequim.

This summer for my birthday Pat took me to the Puyallup Fair. We spent the day wandering around the fair, going on rides, eating fair food, and that evening attended the Crosby, Stills and Nash concert. They were fantastic, and sang to a packed house.

Pat bought a Brinkman smoker last year and just loves to smoke various meats. This Thanksgiving he smoked a 16 lb. turkey and it was delicious! He first brined it in apple cider and salt for about 16 hours, and the next morning around 7am (Thanksgiving morning) he put it in the smoker. We thought it might take about 8-10 hours, but it took half that time! It might have been because of the special turkey cannon that he bought to place inside the turkey to speed up the cooking. That bird was smoked in 4 hours! We wrapped it up with towels and stuffed it into a cooler, then when we got to Lois and Kevin’s for dinner, we cooked it in the oven for about 1/2 an hour. It was great! Later in the week we enjoyed smoked turkey soup. We’re planning to smoke our Christmas bird, and now we know just how long to cook it with the handy-dandy turkey cannon. Oh boy, leftovers!

Pat has been doing much of the cooking lately since I have been working full time with an hour-long commute that doesn’t get me home ‘til sometime after 6pm. He has whipped up tasty dishes like turkey parmesan, chicken curry with cauliflower, chipotle chili and a tender pot roast, to name a few. He has discovered the joy of pressure cooking, and loves the fact that he can cook an entire pot roast dinner in about 40 minutes. Gadgets are definately an important part of his process; the instant-read thermometer is always within reach, along with our “bullet blender” and a cheese grater gadget that looks like a mini R2D2 and is perfect for grating hard cheeses like parmesan. We ended up buying a new dishwasher after our old one died back in February...the ol’ handwashing routine was getting a bit tedious.

Since I had so much time on my hands for most of this year being unemployed, I started a vegetable garden in the backyard, with Pat’s help of course, and with the help of our generous and inspiring neighbors down the street, the Peterka’s (they have dug up their entire yard, front and back, and turned it into a veg garden, and they raise chickens as well!). They helped me loosen the sod with their rented sod-cutter, so that we could begin digging up two 4ft. x16ft. beds in early spring. Pat did most of the digging with some help from Daniel ripping off the the sod. It had been over 20 years since we had grown veggies in our yard, and as I bought seeds, and planted, and dug in the compost to enrich the soil, and started the seedlings in paper egg cartons in the basement under lights, I began to feel a sense of renewal, and I found that it was kind of like therapy being out there in the garden tending the plots. As my seedlings grew, I felt so proud! We grew about 20 different things, with a pretty good rate of success. Since we had a nice warm summer, we got a huge amount of tomatoes (3 different kinds) and I made some freezer tomato sauce and some salsa. Had fresh lettuce every day for salad (5 different kinds!) Got several lovely buttercup squashes. And nice green beans. Spinach, leeks, and of course, at least two zucchini every day. Made pesto, jam and leek soup.

Our other outdoor adventure was moving our 8’x12’ shed accross the yard. It had been in the same place for about 20 years. We needed to move it because the spot it was in was blocking an area we wanted to open up to provide access to the backyard. We moved it to a level spot, to the upper part of the yard, south of the garden. Pat’s idea was to use a few 4” plastic pipes under the shed and slowly roll it across the yard using straps and a “come-along” winch. It took about a day and a half, but Daniel and Pat did it with no damage or injury, several inches at a time. We also cleaned the entire thing out and reorganized it so that we can find things! Pat constructed a special bike rack area for our bikes, and all of our garden tools are organized and easily accessable. Hopefully it will stay that way…!

I began making bread this summer, which I hadn’t done in years. Found a good recipe on a blog I follow. So, for a while at least, we had fresh bread for sandwiches and toast each week. Again, therapy. I found that the year had sort of taken it’s toll on me, and I realized that my sudden lack of employment, and the new responsibility of helping my mother out a lot, plus the loss of dad, had made me feel kind of like I was adrift, but also anchored by things that wouldn’t let go of me. I grieved...for loss of a parent, a job, purpose, and direction. But I also started to feel renewed by allowing myself to focus on some basic things, and tried to find a reason for every day. I still got up at 5:30 or 6:00 each morning. I still bathed and maintained a basic level of hygiene, and ate good food, and tried to get exercise by going for walks. But I also spent numerous hours on my laptop, looking for jobs, yes...but also, I think, sort of searching for something that was lost...or just wasting time. Thankfully, we had very nice weather this summer, and being outside was usually an option that saved me from completely wasting away in front of the computer.

I will leave you with good wishes for a great New Year, hope for Peace in the world, and remember to count your blessings...they’re all around you!

Love,
Patrick, Janis, Daniel and Sarah Howes

janisth@comcast.net
http://blogiwog.blogspot.com/
http://danhowescinephile.blogspot.com/
 
 
 
 
 

Well I am working now full-time and it feels good. It is officially a temporary job, so we'll see what happens. It is good to be getting out and working again and making some money.

The garden is going through it's Fall changes, and we are harvesting the rest of the tomatoes, and have high hopes for the broccoli. Hoping to harvest some small bunches soon for a tasty dinner vegetable. The Swiss chard is doing great, and we also have some kale, cabbage, spinach, lettuce, and a terribly small pumpkin about the size of a grape that doesn't have much of a chance.

Today is mom's 89th birthday.We are taking her out tomorrow for dinner, and I will take her shopping for something special that she wants. She has heard from some friends today by phone and mail wishing her a happy birthday.

The colors around here are glorious and bright. All the fall leaves are in the midst of changing. It has been raining pretty heavily, too. The brightly colored leaves are stuck to the pavement and it is a perfect picture of Fall when you walk about the neighborhood and tread on the soaked, orange and red leaves, and get one stuck on your shoe, and bring it home, unknowingly, and take it off your shoe, and then decide to keep it because it is a part of the walk that you don't want to forget.

Interpretations of the Dream

(Also got some feedback from Ti, Sean and Mary on Facebook.)

from dreammoods.com:

Floating

To dream that you are floating on air, indicates your contentment and acceptance of some situation. You are letting go of your problems or worries and just going with the flow. As a result, you are experiencing new-found freedom. You will rise above your obstacles that may presently seem overwhelming. Alternatively, it suggests that you wandering through life aimlessly with no goals.

To dream that you are floating in water, suggests that you have a handle on your emotions.

To dream that you are floating, but are afraid to move, suggests that you are questioning your own abilities. You are experiencing doubts in yourself.

Scream

To dream that you are screaming, symbolizes anger and fear. It is an expression of your powerful emotions which you have kept pent up inside. If you try to scream, but no sound comes out, then it indicates your sense of helplessness and frustrations in some situation. No matter how hard you try to get someone's attention, they cannot hear you. It highlights your difficulty in communicating with this person. You need to immediately identify your fears or feelings and confront this situation in real life.

To hear or dream that someone is screaming, indicates that some friend or family member is in need of your help.

Dream

I had a dream last night that has stayed with me all day.

In the dream I was sleeping and began rising up as I slept, floating facing up about 3 or 4 feet. I was terrified, and tried to scream, but had no voice. I kept trying to scream, but could not make a sound, and in the dream I could feel my voice laboring to try to make a sound. In the dream, Patrick awoke and tried to grab me to pull me down, but could not get a grip on me. I kept floating up, and trying to scream, but made no sound. Then I woke up.

This dream was almost a half-dream because it seemed like I was partially awake during it, though I knew it was a dream once I woke up. It was disturbing, and I found it difficult to go back to sleep afterwards. It think it was around 3am-5am in the morning, sometime around there, but probably lasted for only a few minutes I am guessing.

I think sometimes dreams are there to tell us things, but we have limited tools to decipher them with.

The glorious end to Summer

Summer is coming to an end and I hate to see it go. It means more than a change in the weather this time around. It means how far have I gotten in my job search, have I persuaded my mom to move to a better home environment, have I got all the things done around the house/yard that I intended to, and just what is important, anyway?!

This year our youngest (Sarah) graduated from HS and is now working PT at a preschool and loves it. Our oldest, Daniel, is going back to school for another round of studying film/video. He has great talents for writing, and needs to get a job.

I have been unemployed for over 9 months and trying to find the "Zen" in all of this. Trying to enjoy the time I have, while using the time I have to it's best potential. This makes for quite a bit of wasted time. But wasted is relative, right?

I need to get healthier. I have been enduring lots of aches and pains, and probably drinking too much wine as a reaction to that. I have achey joints, a chronic ache in my back , and occasional sore knees. But, over time, I have found that yoga really helps to ease those ailments. I am also a big fan of walking a couple miles per day.

Well, the other night we watched the director's cut of the Woodstock Movie, and even tho' I was only 11 in 1969, it took me back, and reminded me of how good it is to acknowledge the sychronicity of life when it happens. We spend so much time multi-tasking and "not" taking vacation, that we miss out completely on what is really happening around us. As Neil Young so eloquently said, "To give a love, you've gotta live a love; to live a love, you've gotta be part of." To be part of you've gotta be present and in the moment. That is what this time has allowed me to barely grasp after so long. After so many years of working, raising kids, worrying, and scrambling around trying to keep up. I need to be in that moment. The rest is nothing important.

August Already!

How did it get to be August already!? Well, here it is. Been harvesting small amounts of things from out little garden. Our cat, Mia, loves spending these sunny days lounging around in the garden. I finally made some zucchini bread, and will undoubtedly make more. Actually, the zucchini has been pretty well under control, and tho' we still have several in the fridge, I do believe we will use them!

Work goes slow on my Web page. I am using a Dreamweaver tutorial on the Adobe site that is very good, a step by step lesson to set up a site. Even tho' I learned this several months ago in the class I took, it's nice to have a refresher, and some hand-holding along the way.

Job hunting goes on, and I am starting to apply networking to my daily job search strategy. Trying to think of everyone I know even remotely connected to the business to get the word out that I am looking and I have experience. I am hoping as summer ends the jobs will start to appear again.

Perspective

OK, I am back in the blogging world. I have been busy applying for jobs, which has become a tedious, uninspiring circle of disappointment, I must say. But I persist, sometimes seeing some job posts that actually excite me. Hope is still in the air, but with the economic picture lately, it is still pretty damn grim.

I recently found a website, listed on the front page of the Seattle Times this morning, called lordsandladiesofleisure.wordpress.com and it is pretty interesting and amusing. It is, of course, all about being unemployed, and has had alot of hits all around the country.

The garden is looking great. The tomato plants are so big I have to tie them up! Have about a dozen green tomatoes. Already have harvested some nice, tasty, "small" zucchini. Will have to keep an eye on them. Looks like we will have about 20 buttercup squash. Anyone out there want some squash in a couple of weeks?!

Been looking for a place for mom, and she is still hesitant to really consider moving, but at least she is thinking about it a little. We'll talk more about it today, and see if we can go look at some places again next week. She just really needs some community, and she has way too much to take care of now, and I can't help her out as much as she would like me to.

I will blog later about new things I learned at the IDUG meeting about interactive documents, about the garden (my garden diary) and other "very important" things.

Oh the Joy

The satisfaction of gardening again has been really evident for me lately... out there in the morning, birds chirping, weeding, watering, feeling amazed that what I planted is thriving. I know the therapuatic side of garden care is equal to the satisfaction of watching the plants grow and reeping the harvest.

We have had a couple of "garden" salads now, and it's great. Saving a little money, but most of all enjoying the taste of freshly picked green lettuce. We have Grand Rapids, Prize Head, Garnet Oakleaf, and I recently added some starts of bib lettuce, and one called Valentine, which is kind of a small, reddish lettuce. Also arugula. Yummy!

Bread and Gardening

My focus lately has been on baking and gardening. This blog will serve sometimes as a diary of those endeavors.

The latest bread baking was last Monday. This was the most successful bread baking yet because the bread rose well, and was big enough to be considered "sandwich bread".

It has a very good texture, and tastes subtly sweet. We still have some on the shelf, and it makes good toast, too.

The Swiss chard in the garden is looking really good. It is "Bright Lights", a multi-colored chard, that was started from seed in indoor pots on April 2nd.

I planted 3 type of lettuce from seed, also on April 2nd, and the most impressive of the 3 has been the Prizehead lettuce. It has big red and green leaves, and looks full and healthy. I have already been picking some leaves off some of the heads for salad. It has a mild, and appealing taste as well.

The zucchini is doing well, I have 3 plants and they are still small, but are already budding. So I will have to watch them carefully to make sure the zucchini doesn't get too big.

The other squashes I have planted are butternut and buttercup. The buttercup was ready to transplant first and is doing well. It is bigger than the butternut.

Veggies are growing

This past weekend of sun really made the veggies in our garden happy. I was concerned that I had put the seedlings out too early...some say they are just putting out their seedlings now, some already have...wasn't sure if I had really goofed this up. But, they are looking pretty good. Here is the Swiss Chard, Brussel Sprouts, and Red Leaf Lettuce, getting bigger every day. We had lots of rain, and then it warmed up. That really made it nice for these little plants.

Tonight it is raining again. Warmer, but wet. Good.

And tonights news says there is a bear in Shoreline, last seen less than a mile from our house at Twin Ponds Park! How exciting! I am making sure the cat is inside tonight before I go to bed.

When baking bread is more than it seems

I am thinking that perhaps baking bread is somewhat theraputic, in that it is a simple basic task that one can do, be successful and feel satisfied. It is creating something, fulfilling a need, and providing nourishment. When the world around you seems too chaotic, unfulfilling, and just too damn frustrating to deal with...bake bread!

The Dishwasher Dilemma

We decided not to replace our dishwasher when it pooped out on us. This was an important decision because it, 1) saves us money, 2) uses less power to wash dishes, and 3) gets us more storage space in the kitchen, which, if you have seen our kitchen, you know it is clearly a necessity for our family.

The other part of the dilemma is that our old dishwasher is still sitting out on the deck. We have to find an eco-friendly and economically reasonable way to get rid of the non-working dishwasher.

So, washing dishes by hand is really not so bad. And, actually, hand-washing dishes is the kind of task that puts you into a meditative state, so that you can do it while thinking of things that seem important at the time, and all the while you are also getting some work done!

I have heard recently, I think on the radio, that lately people are replacing their DW's less, and choosing to wash dishes by hand. This may be because they are unemployed, and have more time for dishwashing, so they can justify the logic of it. If they were working full time, a dishwasher might just make alot more sense.

Still, at the moment, I am happy with our decision to not replace our dishwasher. And that extra storage space, however quaint it may look with the curtain and all, is sure nice.

Planting

Did some more planting today, and Patrick and I put a netting over the raised beds, mostly to keep the cats out. Would hate to find those cats digging up our new little seedlings.

We have some strawberries up on the deck in hanging planters. We are hoping the squirrels will not get them this way, but the birds may be a different story. Tomorrow I'll be planting some herbs in a big pot which will go on the deck.

Getting Stuff Done

It's been a cloudy, rainy day, and the sun would not shine. I walked early in the morning, but mostly stayed inside, working on small design jobs, and puttering around. Time goes by fast when working on the laptop.

I have moved the zucchini sprouts out into the garden plot, 3 of them. I hope I don't regret it later. Pat suggested we keep one plant for just growing one, giant zucchini and entering it into the zucchini olympics at the end of summer. Worth a try, I guess.

I'm helping mom tomorrow, and meeting my old boss for dinner later. It should be fun, haven't seen her for awhile. The news from the old place should be interesting. We're meeting up on Capital Hill at a place called Café Presse.

Garden Prep

The sprouts are growing and getting bigger. Today I added some worm castings to the garden plots and actually planted some tomato starts and a pepper. Our seedlings are doing well and I have transplanted the lettuce into small pots. The egg carton compartments only hold so much.

I am looking forward to moving the seedlings into the garden in the next two weeks. I will have to move them to the deck during the day for hardening off, and once it warms up a little bit more, it's show time!

Here's to sun, and growth, and future salads!

Sprout Update

We have sprouts! Three varieties of lettuce have begun to sprout, along with the spinach and the brussel 'sprouts'. It's so exciting.

The weather is warming up a little every day. Our veggies should be sprouting the next couple of weeks and then it will be time to transplant them outside.

It's Leonard Cohen Week

It must be Leonard Cohen week. I have heard Leonard Cohen songs all week, and it's only Wednesday.

Right now we are watching and listening to a live performance by Leonard Cohen in London on the Canadian chanel, CBUT.

Earlier this week I got the CD, "Famous Blue Raincoat", which is songs of Leonard Cohen sung by Jennifer Warnes. I don't know why; I just felt compelled to.

We have talked of Leonard Cohen and his music at the dinner table this week, and about how strange it is for a person to have such a talent for writing beautiful songs, while having such a limit to the appeal of his own voice. Still, he manages to sing his own songs, and have a following that is quite remarkable.

So it must be Leonard Cohen week.

At long last, gardening again

Well, we have our garden plot ready. We have two raised beds that are 3.5' by 16'. I am starting some seedlings under lights in the basement. I am waiting anxiously for them to sprout. I feel like a new mother. Hope they come up.

We can start planting some seeds directly, so I have to decide just when to do that, and how to mark them somehow.

I am so excited about having a garden again. Hope our lettuce does well. We eat a lot of salad.

Photos soon.

Unplugged, but reconnecting

We have turned out lights out for Earth Hour, though we are still blogging and cruising the internet on our battery powered laptops. Is that wrong?

I was starting to feel lately that things are settling down a bit. I am feeling more energized about freelancing again, and a few jobs may be coming my way.

Connections are more and more important and lately my energy has been focused on connecting, or reconnecting. I think I have been feeling cut off and exhausted for too long.

Monday Morning

Just was thinking about how much we each can influence our personal lives by our attitude and what we decide each day. It reminded me of Don Miguel Ruiz and his philosophy:
"Everything we do is based on agreements we have made - agreements with ourselves, with other people, with God, with life. But the most important agreements are the ones we make with ourselves. In these agreements we tell ourselves who we are, how to behave, what is possible, what is impossible. One single agreement is not such a problem, but we have many agreements that come from fear, deplete our energy, and diminish our self-worth. When we are ready to change these agreements, there are four deceptively simple, yet powerful agreements that we can adopt as guiding principles. The Four Agreements offer a powerful code of conduct that can rapidly transform our lives to a new experience of freedom, true happiness, and love."

Happiness is a Tidy Linen Closet

I am done with classes for this quarter and it feels good. I took Flash and a Dreamweaver class, back to back, on Saturdays for Winter Quarter. They were both taught by the same instructor at Seattle Central, and they were good. I now have good books with CDs to follow up on so I can keep learning.

And I have filed for unemployment, though I won't be getting a check for a few weeks apparently. They are so backed up at the Employment Security Office it takes them 4 to 5 weeks to process claims, though when I called once last week I was only on hold for 10 minutes.

Spring is slowly peeking it's head out of the dark, cold, frosty burm that was winter. We still could get snow, of course. But the croccus in my yard are glorious, and when the sun shines and the sky is blue in Seattle, there is nothing quite like it.

Being unemployed means I am using my time differently. And that means I can get things done around the house that I have not had a chance to get to for awhile. Like the linen closet. Our linen closet, being small, and the only linen closet, with exception of the inprovised one across the hall in a recessed alcove that used to be for the stereo, has to be perfectly organized for everything to fit in, and if it gets messed up, it is a disaster. Because once it is messed up, we tend to just open the door, shove something in, and close it quickly before anything can fall out. It becomes a mess gradually, and then builds, so that whoever has the task of folding up towels and putting them away starts to dred opening the linen closet door. So the linen closet is tidy, and neat, and I love it.

Bothered

Well, it's been a while since I have added a post. I think I have been feeling unable to write anything because I am upset and grumpy. I just feel bothered by a lot of stuff lately.

I suspect many people are feeling this way now. The news is bad, and there are so few jobs. I actually have felt jealous of people who have jobs. I find myself longing to be at work, at a computer, producing, contributing, typing, filing, layout out a project, calling a printer on the phone for a quote. I miss work. And I feel bad that I am not contributing.

Ah, well. It could be worse. We are OK, really. It's the fear of what could happen that is causing this anxiety, and the loss of the continuum that was work, that was going somewhere everyday, that was a sense of being needed. Needed to do a job.

So I will network, and get creative, and see what I can find in other ways. Freelancing has it's benefits, and can be lucrative if you work hard enough.

Still seeking balance; still needing to find my way a bit.

Pecksniffery

The word of the day is Pecksniffery. This was used on the back of a wine bottle description, stating that they would not resort to "pecksniffery" or something similar to that.

The definition of pecksniffery is a "hypocritical statement". It is a word that Charles Dickens apparently used in his books. It is on old world term, but it is an interesting-sounding word, and is again one of those words who's sound reflects it's meaning. "'Pecksniff' was a character in one of Charles Dickens' novels who was utterly selfish and corrupt, yet hid behind an outer display of seeming benevolence. His name has become an adjective synonymous with sanctimonious and hypocritical."

The Power of Your Word

I am still thinking about balance, and trying to attain more of it in my daily life. With many things being uncertain, I feel this is a constant struggle right now.

I find that even in my daily interactions with people, I often feel that I am not communicating what I really want to say. It's as if I am distracted, and my words are not coming out quite exactly the way I intend them to.

I went back to a favorite book, "The Lost Art of Compassion", by Lorne Ladner, PhD, and found this passage about communication:
"Each of us has tendencies to communicate in ways that don't lead ultimately toward happiness for ourselves and others. The Buddha once gave a discourse to his disciples on how to live a life free of conflicts and problems. He said that before we utter anything we first should know that what we are about to say is 'true, correct, and beneficial'".

This reminds me of Don Miguel Ruiz, and his Four Agreements, specifically the first agreement, "Be Impeccable with Your Word-Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love."

The word of the day is Balance

Balance is the word of the day. One definition is "stability of one's mind or feelings". Sounds good.

This reminds me of the documentary "Man on Wire". It is obviously about balance, but it also is an example of how people manage to stay emotionally balanced in times of stress, chaos and uncertainty. The man who walks across the wire that is strung between the twin towers is the ultimate example of balance, and all that has led up to that moment.

Seeking balance, practicing balance, striving for balance, observing balance. How many things can we balance at one time? One too many, and we lose our focus and then we become, God forbid, "unbalanced".

It's all about balance.

The word of the day is Willy-Nilly

Willy-nilly is the word of the day. OK, it's two words. Actually it's a hyphenated word. But it is fitting for this day because too many of us try to do too much, and end up wasting more time than we think, as in "Running willy-nilly all around won't help you make any progress."

Think on it.

The word of the day is Snarky

Snarky. I heard someone use this word this morning, and now it's stuck in my head. I like this word, and I think the sound of the word reflects it's definition. Must be a word for that, too.

Reflections on a Fancy Funeral

I like the lyrics of Lucinda Williams song "Fancy Funeral", that I have posted below. It is a true reflection on the desire to get back to what is really important, and to say, in the moment of importance, hey, this is how I feel and we don't need to follow a path that leads us into mass consumption and ridiculous spending. It's the memories of the person, holding the person in your heart, never forgetting, recalling the little things you loved about the person that keeps you intact, keeps you from feeling such a deep sense of loss all at once.

The song is also about the pressure some families must feel who really can't afford all the expected funeral extravagances. I know that religion plays a very important part for lots of people, but spending money will not matter to the God of your choice. Showing your love can be done with caring, and taking the time to be present for that person.

The words are not as effective in print as they are when sung by Lucinda with music, but you can get the idea.

Some think a fancy funeral will be worth every cent
G           C                              C
But every dime or nickel is money better spent
G                                          G
Better spent on groceries or covering the bills
G                     C        Em             G
Instead of little luxuries and unnecessary frills

G                                        G
Lovely yellow daffodils and lacy pillow fringe
G            C                     C
Pretty little angels for everyone to see
G                                   G
Lily of the valley and long black limousines
G                            C           Em                     G
It's three or four months' salaries just to pay for all those things
G                                                       G
So don't but a fancy funeral, it's not worth it in the end
G                      C                                     C
Goodbyes can still be beautiful without the money that you spend
G                                                           G
There's no amount of riches that will bring back what you've lost
G                 C        Em      (NC)         G
To satisfy your wishes, no way to justify the cost

A Beautiful and Weird Day

It's been a beautiful day and got alot done. Had a nice walk through the park this morning. Then I received a phone call from the visiting nurse that mom was not answering her door. The nurse was concerned enough to call 911 and the paramedics showed up and got the door open by cutting the chain lock and mom was sound asleep in bed. She woke up with several paramedic guys in her bedroom, including the fire chief. "What are you doing in here?!" she exclaimed. It's not every morning you wake up with big, strong paramedic guys in your bedroom.

We are all glad she is ok, and I'll be checking with her doctor tomorrow to see if her meds should be adjusted. It's not like her to sleep that soundly and not hear the phone or someone knocking at the door.

I'll be helping mom again tomorrow, going to Everett to take care of probate stuff. I am hoping to get my letter finished this weekend. Wish me luck!

Looking ahead...

Mom got out of the hospital on January 24th, and the next day we had the memorial for Dad. It was a nice turn out. I feel sort of a sense of relief or closure now. Mom seems depressed. Today I am taking her in for a check up/follow up with her doctor. I will ask about counseling, or perhaps they can suggest a grief support group.

I have lots of tasks on my list: update resume, do homework, clean the house, look in on mom. Defenately a full plate. It is harder to get things done when the structure is not really there. I guess that is why I miss working every day. It provided a sense of accomplishment, even if I didn't really want to do it!

I am determined to make this a good and productive week. And take better care of my back! (physical therapy in Wednesday). Must take care of myself, too.

Mom

Mom has been in the hospital since Tuesday, since having sort of a fainting spell Tuesday morning. We are all grateful to her Avon Lady, April, who happened to be there delivering a cosmetic order, and noticed that mom was not doing ok, and called 911.

Mom was worried that she would not be out of the hospital in time to attend Dad's memorial, which is scheduled for Sunday, Jan. 25th. I told her to just think about getting better. She is also concerned that she won't have time to get her hair done. A girl has to have her priorities.

But the doctor said she will probably be out by the end of the week. We're hoping for the best.

It has surely been a strange, and stressful ride these past several weeks. I know stress is just part of life, but high doses can be toxic.

I am looking forward to the memorial, to seeing friends and family, and hoping for at least a little bit of closure about Dad. I don't feel like I've had time to really feel what I should be feeling. I want to take some time to reflect, and just "be". It hasn't been easy to do that. I guess it will come with time.

And then I have to look for a job.

Sunny Day Hike

Yesterday was beautiful and we went for a hike. We walked about a mile through the shady woods before we got to the beach. The sky was gloriously blue, and it actually felt warm near the water. I saw an eagle, or it might have been a hawk, flying high above us to the towering pine trees that over look the shore. There were a few people walking their dogs there on the beach. We ate our sandwiches while looking out at the water. These sunny days are so few lately, it seems like a vacation just to be out in the sunshine, and see the blue, blue sky.

Online Obit Link

http://www.legacy.com/sacbee/DeathNotices.asp?Page=LifeStory&PersonId=122936800

This is the link to the online obituary at the Sacramento Bee. You'll have to copy it and paste it into your browser. There is a guest book to sign, and I will be adding some photos and a biography to the enhanced bio feature in the near future. It's kind of cool what they have online :)

I sent in the obituary about dad to the paper today. I have lots of photos to go through. It's really emotional to look through the old photos, and see a life glimpsed in pieces, and see that the progression reflects so much more than images.

I have found some things of my dads as I go through stuff with mom. A box of old ties, cuff links, old watches. Dad saved all of his watches over the years. I think one he got back in the 40's. He always took good care of his things. He made a point to hang up slacks in a certain way, and keep things tidy, in boxes, and labeled.

I still feel really disconnected, and it's because I didn't spend the time I should have with Dad. If I can learn anything from this experience, it might be to be sure to take the time for being with people, for connection, for listening. It seemed like we were always rushing around, doing other things that seemed important at the time, and waiting for the moment to spend together talking.

Happy New Year

I'm so glad it's a new year. With all that's gone on during the month of December, I feel like I am beginning to climb out of a tunnel and into the glimmering light. Only 19 more days until our new president takes over. So much hope is in the air right now. We can believe that things will start to get better.

Or if we are fed up, we can use cat philosophy, and just stretch out on the rug, and roll around.